there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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