We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
