My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize