its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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