if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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