I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
