You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
