I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
