My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
