I got chris browned last night
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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