Hippo gnu deer
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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