oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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