New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
