Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
