i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
you didnt know i had herpes?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
