I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
50% drunk capacity currently
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I want to fling myself into the sun
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
