I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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