How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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