Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
