I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
