I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
