i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
