I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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