I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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