My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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