He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
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I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
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Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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