If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
