i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
