I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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