I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
