he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
