i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
