the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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