you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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