its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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