Cold hands, warm shart.
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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