Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
