was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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