peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
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Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
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I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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