You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Randomize
