but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
