Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
