is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
