I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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