guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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