Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
