I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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