So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
