When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
