Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
