I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
