well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
