wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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