I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I will be naked everywhere
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
