That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
