Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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