your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
