I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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