sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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